I won't be Home for Christmas
by Rex
Summary: A song fic set to "I won't be Home for Christmas" by Blink 182. So what do Voldemort and his merry band of Death Eaters do to spread holiday cheer? An extremely BLACK comedy.


The Christmas Song

You-Know-Who. Yes, you know who. The V-Man, as his friends called him.  
  
Every year, him and the Death Eaters got together for a Christmas celebration...since no one had the decency to buy them presents (And actually, who could blame them?) the V-Man (You-Know-Who to all the wizard wimps.) decided to kill the person writing the parentheses and take over writing this himself.

"This is my Christmas story," he typed into the computer as some unknown force typed other things. _Dark magic,_ he thought. _Hey, it's reading my thoughts!_ Then the V-Man stopped.  
  
"Don't call me that," he said. "Whoever you are, don't mess with me...I just may mess with you."  
  
Suddenly the V-Man was on the ground. The person writing the parentheses had happened to show up.  
  
"You, Voldemort, in my fic. NOW!"

_Outside the carolers start to sing  
I can't describe the joy they bring  
'Cause joy is something they don't bring me._

Yes, they had style. Style in the definition of dark cloaks, with snappy dress clothes underneath. The wands were even fashionable, made by a man who certainly didn't want to make them.  
_  
_The party itself was extravagant. At least five hundred guests. Ten Death Eaters waited.  
_  
_They stood outside the Magic Club, waiting for the moment to crash the party. The V-Man waited...acting as cool as cool could be.

"Now," he said as the jolly Christmas music the attendees were singing struck a crescendo. _This killing thing...I love it,_ he thought to himself as the glass door shattered into thousands of tiny pieces.

Panic erupted as the point of a Christmas tree took off a man's head. It rolled on the floor, with a look of shock that said "Why is there a Christmas tree aimed at my head?" Of course, it was magic. Death Eaters were too lazy for the physical side of violence.

Christmas music didn't give the V-Man joy._  
  
My girlfriend is by my side  
From the roof bar hanging sickles of ice  
Their whining voices get irritating  
It's Christmas time again..._

The neighborhood was beautiful. Snow covered the streets. Harmony was present. (Not that it wanted to be. Harmony's lazy as it is. That's why there's so little of it.) The annual Do-Gooders Club was having their Christmas caroling party and food drive.

They stopped in front of the wrong house. It was a large mansion, hope to one of the greatest Death Eaters. This Death Eater's name was Jack, and the only reason he was great was because he could follow orders. And he didn't question them. And um...that was it. But he could follow orders better than most.

He didn't like Christmas carolers. (The Do-Gooders Club did not know this.) He was not married, no kids, just himself and the V-Man, who had given him powers beyond his greatest imagination.

This was what he had wanted. He could have never achieved power by himself. Someone would have had to help him.

Yes, he was a coward. Yes, he knew he was a coward. He was afraid of harm, but he always loved giving it to other people. Thus, he was a hypocrite as well.

It wasn't like he cared. This was what God had given him, and this was called "taking what you get."

Jack apparently did not think he was a little weird in the head. No other Death Eater thought he was weird either. (Most were like him actually.)

The carolers came down the street, unafraid of the Death Eaters who struck every year. (Can you say stupid? Yes, we all know you can literally...but it's a figure of speech!)

Jack singled out one caroler. A person he really didn't like...but since he was such a coward, he had "befriended" this person.

He was a sick, cruel man._  
  
So I stand with a dead smile on my face  
Wondering how much of my time they'll waste  
Oh God, I hate these Satan's helpers.  
And then I guessed I must have snapped  
Because I grabbed a baseball bat  
And made them all run for shelter._

Jack stood outside, watching the snow fall. He smiled as the carolers sang "Deck the Halls."

As they finished, Jack applauded, running down the walkway to greet the carolers.

"Laura!" he said, laughing.

"Hi, Jack," said the woman. She was middle-age, brown hair, brown eyes. Seemingly normal.

Just like Jack.

"Wanna come inside for a drink?" he asked. This was what Laura wanted. She wanted to go inside for a drink.

"Sure!" she said, smiling. They left the outdoors, heading inside.

Laura walked straight to the kitchen. Jack shoved her aside.

"In the back," he said.

"But it's cold outside," she responded, trying to see this man's intentions. Jack shook his head.

Then he pulled a knife out of his pocket. It was a rather large pocketknife, and it could probably kill somebody if put to the right place.

All Laura could think of was bad words. She ran._  
  
It's Christmas time...again!  
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year  
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer.  
You people scare me...  
Please stay away from my home  
If you don't wanna get me down, just leave the presents and then leave me alone!_

Laura ran. She had to get away. The front door...it was locked.  
_  
_She had no escape. He was mad. _I gave him that knife, _she thought._   
  
Well, I guess it's not cool to freak on Christmas Eve  
'Cause the cops came and arrested me  
They had an unfair advantage...  
And even though the jail didn't have a tree,  
Christmas came on a night early  
'Cause a guy named Bubba unwrapped my package_

Jack grabbed Laura by the neck, the knife coming into close contact with it. She could do any second.

"In the back," he ordered. Laura obeyed. She was led into the back, in clear view of the fence.

She also saw the basketball court. She thought none of it.

And he began to lead her there... _  
  
It's Christmas time...again!  
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year  
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer.  
You people scare me...  
Please stay away from my home  
If you don't wanna get me down, just leave the presents and then leave me alone!_

They stopped in front of the pole. "Stick your tongue there," Jack ordered. Laura did not do it.

_"Do it,"_ he ordered, the cool knife moving closer to her neck. She could feel it.

Her heart began to pulse. (She was probably close to a heart attack, and who could blame her?)

Then he moved the knife away from her neck. Laura breathed a sigh of relief.

She felt it in her back. It wasn't in there, but she could feel the tip. It was sharp, stinging, pointed.

She did it.

Jack smiled. The knife left its point of almost killing Laura by poking her in the back and suddenly made its way above her mouth.

_I gave him that knife!_ she thought. It was all she could think as the knife hit her tongue, severing it in two.

The pinkish lump fell to the ground. Her mouth began to bleed. She stopped. She'd just lost her tongue. That was all she could think, besides _"I gave him that knife!"_

Jack laughed. Laura tried to wake up from this dream. Jack loved this.

He then kicked her into the pole.

And he grabbed a piece of rope and tied her up. It was crude, but it would do.

He left.

And all Laura could say was: "Eghy ou ught y uhne ogh!"

Jack heard it, and he shook away the nonsense. He had no clue what it meant.

He considered it funny._  
  
I won't be home...  
I won't be home for Christmas..._

_Author's Note: Oh, that was black! I mean, like your coffee! I know the tongue thing was gross, but hey _Fargo_ has worse stuff...go rent it and see the wood chipper! Hehe...I didn't know I could write this stuff. I guess it's good...I mean, I feel good about it...and that's the best thing isn't it?_

_And I have no idea how to write this Author's Note...basically I say go read "Bleed" by Madd Spammer. I daresay it's one of the best fics ever written, if not THE best. (But I haven't read that much...and in your review, don't tell me what the best fics are, 'cause I don't want to know. You can email me and correct me all you want.)_

_And by the way, "The Christmas Song" is by Blink 182, for all you ignorant people not able to read the summary._

_Since you read this, you're already a cool person. But if you review...you'll be really cool!_

_Adios!_


End file.
